Summer is for putting on a swimsuit and spending long days at the pool or lake, soaking up the sun and creating memories. It’s also for the reality that you’re running after your kid, spraying sunscreen and slinging snacks all while practically naked.

At the local pool there’s moms, grandmas, kids of all ages, dads and grandpas of all various shapes and sizes. Including at least one old guy in a speedo (why is there always one old guy in a speedo??). But if you look closely, most moms are running around with their cover up on. I’m willing to bet it’s because 9 times out of 10 they hate their swimsuit. I’m right there with you.

Here’s the thing about swimsuits. They are designed for old ladies or 25 year olds. They either frumpily hold it all in or let it all hang out without leaving anything to the imagination. Sometimes swimsuits try to cover it up – and that’s worse. I’ve spent the past seven years wearing tankini bottoms with skirts attached, strategic ruching, or blousy tankini tops. I’m tired of it. I feel ridiculous. It’s not comfortable. The blousy fronts balloon and float up when you’re actually in the pool and the additional fabric is hot (as in temperature not attractiveness). I’m tired of settling for the okay-ish swimsuit from Target that doesn’t make me feel good and has completely lost its shape by the end of summer. I want to be cute and comfy as I wrestle my kid out of the pool when it’s time to eat lunch.

Let’s face it, I’m not laying on the beaches of Saint-Tropez. I’m swimming in a pool that’s likely half pee.

Quite frankly, I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to find a one piece swimsuit that’s somewhat fashionable, flattering and is meant to move around in. This is the holy grail of swimsuits – cute and moveable. I want to look cute, feel comfortable, and be able to hop on a paddle board and do a yoga pose without a boob or my hoo-ha falling out.

But let’s talk about the typical one piece swimsuit and highlight some of the particular frustrating things:

1. High cut legs – yep that means bikini waxes all summer long. Because with a high cut leg, hairs that aren’t removed are gonna peek out when you’re contorting yourself to lather your kid up with sunscreen. And no one wants to see that.
2. There is either too much structure or not enough creating this effect of completely flattening the boobs and bum because in reality there isn’t much there and neither one is as perky as it used to be.
3. Flattened boob and bum = belly pooch sticking way out because for some reason that isn’t flattened along with the rest of it.
4. There are some beautiful one piece suits out there. They cost $400 and up and they are gorgeous. I’ll get one when I go the Riviera but let’s face it, I’m not laying on the beaches of Saint-Tropez. I’m swimming in a pool that’s likely half pee.
5. They have metal details or logos (yes I’m looking at you Michael Kors) or weird webbing straps. News flash – metal gets hot in the sun. Cut out logo? No thanks, I don’t want a circular MK sun tattoo on my chest.

So the search continues…

This year more than ever every swimsuit either looks exactly like the ones my mom and mother in law are wearing or they have so many straps I can’t figure out how to put the dang thing on. I actually like to try my swimsuits on in the store before I buy them. Every single suit I’ve ever bought online has promptly gone back.

It’s also expensive to order swimsuits online. You have to shell out hundreds of dollars ordering & returning swimsuits of various sizes from various online shops in the hopes that – maybe, just maybe – one might be the one.

I’m not giving up in my quest for the holy grail of swimsuits. And when I find it I will sing from the roof top in my fabulous new swimsuit. I just really hope I’m not going to have to go all Indiana Jones and battle snakes and mummys – because my boobs and my bum would surely fall out of my swimsuit doing that.